Purpose Driven Buzzard Dust

Reports today revealed that Ashley Smith, the celebrated woman who turned in the Atlanta courthouse gunman after he kidnapped her, offered him crystal meth at his request. Ms. Smith was an immediate hero and Christian role model after she described persuading Brian Nichols to turn himself in by reading excerpts from “The Purpose Driven Life,” a bestseller by pastor Rick Warren.

Or maybe it was the ‘Nazi Dope’ that got him so ‘geeked’ he surrendered.

Christians have done bad things for years. They’ve had affairs, cheated on taxes, smoked pot in the sanctuary, and I’m sure, ‘spun monkey’ a time or two. (All of the slang for the use of ‘rumdumb’ is provided courtesy of The Anti-Meth Site.)

I’m not so shocked or even discouraged that Ms. Smith was an addict. I’m not even disappointed that she was a self-proclaimed Christian who liked to read. I’m disappointed that now we will never know if “The Purpose Driven Life” can really get murderers to turn themselves into the authorities.

Before today, I knew that if I were ever kidnapped, all I had to do was pull out my trusty copy of “Purpose Driven Life,” read a few chapters, and all would be okay. It was foolproof, a much better choice of literature for such a situation than “The Prayer of Jabez,” “I Kissed Dating Goodbye,” or even “The Holy Bible.” But now, due to Ms. Smith’s admission that she gave a ‘jibby bear’ her ‘teena’, I’m afraid Christian kidnapees everywhere are hopeless.

Therefore, in the name of science and intelligent design, my church is conducting a trial this week. All of our members who murder people will be reading “The Purpose Driven Life.” But, half of them will ‘ring dang do’ the ‘jetfuel.’ Results will be posted next week.

The Lord works in mysterious ways, if by mysterious you mean that the Lord can use ‘cankinstien’ as much as the Lord can use the written words of a Southern California preacher.